The Undergraduate's Somber Dirge

I have no good reasons to complain. My parents pay a hefty price for the course that I choose. It's all my doing for a sudden, no, a dragging symptom which is somewhat a mix of depression and restlessness.

You see, for the past 2 months, I doing my undergraduate program, Bachelor of Mechatronics Engineering. From a purely academic view, I've done bad. I haven't been attending much class, my courseworks are mostly late with some never submitted, missed a lab session, and was absent from a test, and failed another, out of 4 tests. Except for the first doing, the subsequent actions all reduce my marks.

I wouldn't say I regret it all. For you see, the direct reason behind all this is because I have been drowning myself with much media, for these past months, which I can list most that I can remember:-

Starting from November, before that, I cannot recall.
Samurai Champloo, Darker Than Black, Prison Break Season 2 up to the most recent episodes, Claymore, Ghost In the shell: 2nd Gig, 4 DieHards, A Perfect Stranger, Bring It On, She's The Man, The Goodfellas, Eurotrip, Longest Yard, Seto No Hanayame (Finished 4 days ago), Batman Beyond Season 1 & 2,(Started 3 days ago and finshed yesterday) My teacher My Hero (Started yesterday and finished just now).

Yes, one season of anime/series/cartoon per 1-2 day(s), and topped with a movie. I am still an undergraduate student with homework and coursework. If I were simply a hikikomori, things would be simpler, but it is not. I go to gym, occasional sport, handle my laundry, rent and mostly anything properly. I am sociable with many acquaintances. I simple indulge myself with tons of entertainment as a way to numb myself against the meaninglessness that has struck over me and clinging to me like a shadow, everyday.

There are always times where I try to rationalize with myself, using guilt of parent's expectations, but in the end, it was easier to conclude.

I SIMPLY LOVED sleeping excessively and watching good entertainment, rather than enslave my ass to class like every engineering student, who are not even clear why they study, attending every class like mice scurrying towards cheese, and doing studies and (plagiarizing) coursework laboriously everyday just to meet deadlines. I find such a life of a typical engineering student simply meaningless and unacceptable for me. That is why, until now, I do not regret both my shit results and my pursuit of stuff that I think is better worth my time. :> Smack that, you zombie students.

But as I approach the end of my semester, I began to calculate my losses, and start to conclude that I might actually fail. A breeze of a satisfied sigh and an anxious gasp swept through me, which I would have never thought possible.

The satisfied sigh signified the reincarnation of myself. I have been a pretty good student, always in the top class throughout primary up to secondary years. Though, my main studying method was solely cramming for test, which I find inefficacious currently in my course, that has progress tests of 3 subjects every 2 weeks. So, FAILING ACADEMICALLY is like a blue moon to me, which I am rather interested to see how it will change me, rather than intimidate. :D

The anxious gasp though, would also encompass my parents' expectations and their effort to get me into this university. If I were to fail, it would completely turn my past 2 months, or maybe the past 2 years into a more meaningless void.

Here comes my decision, which I have made yesterday. To choose the meaninglessness that would cost me one third of a day, everyday for the next 3 years. Or choose another that would be a really big nihilistic blow that would displace all the daily meaningless i felt with a cosmic one, as well as scar my parents' trust in me. I intend to choose the former. I hope my failings have not doomed me to the latter.

Nevertheless, I hope to be bestowed a halo for understanding another part of humanity. All these things are so mechanical and meaningless, empty, devoid of meaning on an individual level. Yet, we can agree to fuck ourselves to choose with good judgment which consequences we want ,or get fucked over by these things when we live in ignorance without realization.

With this I shall depart for a while.